July 2011
1 post
June 2010
1 post
4 tags
“I’m like Rachel Leigh Cook, looking for my Freddie Prinze.”
– Thomas
March 2010
4 posts
2 tags
“I was sitting on the ground right next to the piano she was playing. I could...”
– Mike, re: seeing Joanna Newsom live in Philly
2 tags
“Did you know the iPhone corrects ‘titty’?”
– Thomas
1 tag
“The name of the urinal gauge is what I’m going to name my daughter.”
– Mike
1 tag
“Well, I HAVE swept a hooker off her feet before.”
– Thomas
February 2010
1 post
4 tags
“I’m not gonna lie - now, his mullet actually looks beautiful.”
– Mike, during Yevgeny Plushenko’s figure-skating routine.
January 2010
2 posts
2 tags
“That’s what’s great about the golden arches: they look like breasts....”
– Thomas, re: McDonalds.
3 tags
“In general, with everything, K-pop beat us to the punch.”
– Mike
December 2009
5 posts
2 tags
“Ok I’m drinking Bud Light in the dark, so typing is even harder.”
– Mike, to Deb, over gchat, 3:30 PM on Xmas Eve.
2 tags
“You think you’re “all grown up”? Ha, that’s funny....”
– Deb’s younger brother, Sam.
3 tags
“Honestly, I don’t know what I learned today. I don’t know what I...”
– Thomas, reflecting on one of the worst days of his life: getting mugged (Paper Moon-style) by a father and 7-yr-old son whilst tweeting, not even attempting to chase them down, not filing a police report, and not picking up his allergy medication after spending a night in the ER,
2 tags
“You motherfuckers need to be SUPPORTIVE when I say I’m going to be nicer...”
– Stan
3 tags
“GOD, it looks like all of these people came straight out of a horror movie.”
– Deb, on the inhabitants of Downsville, NY.
November 2009
30 posts
1 tag
“Who the hell’s going to kidnap me and put me in a prostitution ring?”
– Mike, re: “Taken”
3 tags
“Y’all are boring as hell, but I can’t get up from this table.”
– Mike, post-Thanksgiving dinner
3 tags
“Why has darkness descended upon us?!”
– Mike Sr., alarmed by the swift and sudden darkness outside
3 tags
“Do I really look like a deer?”
– Teri, sporting a bright red track jacket, running sneakers, and leggings, worried that a hunter might shoot her down.
2 tags
“Hunting? I go hunting for bargains! At Kmart!”
– Mike Sr.
1 tag
“Mammals my ass.”
– Mike Sr. re: whales
1 tag
“Look, someone’s cooking HEADPHONES!”
– Ben, mistaking the turkey thermometer for an iPod.
1 tag
“Deb is from Alaska so she already knows how to shit in the woods. She’s...”
– Mike
2 tags
“I prefer bigger balls.”
– Thomas, on the “tapioca balls” in his “bubble tea”
3 tags
“No no no, I want you to HOLD my cup.”
– Mike, to Deb, after she foolishly mistakes his extended drink to her as a cheers. She should have known better.
5 tags
“I’m not a hipster. A hipster is just someone who thinks they’re...”
– Thomas, effectively describing himself
3 tags
“On my birthday, Film Forum is playing Kurosawa all day. I love that Film Forum...”
– Thomas
2 tags
“What if Asian wasn’t a race, but rather a boyscout level?”
– MIke
3 tags
“Who’s that creepy guy with the mustache staring at us?”
– Nate’s one-night stand, referring to Stu
2 tags
“Ever since the ponytail, I’ve been getting a lot more looks from fat white...”
– Mike
4 tags
“I do NOT look like a hipster! I look like Ralph Lauren about to go horseback...”
– Thomas, wearing this outfit (he’s on the right, just in case there’s ANY CONFUSION):
2 tags
“Did you just make me try on a BAG?”
– Deb, at the Steven Alan sale, after Mike has her try on some amorphous piece of fabric that resembles a cloak. Alas.
2 tags
“If people had common courtesy, everyone would realize I was hungover, offer me...”
– Mike, irritated on a relatively quiet downtown 1 train, Sunday morning.
3 tags
“If I didn’t grow up with my sister…like say I only saw her once...”
– Thomas
3 tags
“I’m…I’m…a little…a little high right now. No...”
– Thomas
2 tags
“We just need to accept the fact that we will never in our lives make anything as...”
– Mike, re: Rhinestone (starring Dolly Parton and Sylvester Stallone)
3 tags
“[giggle]….Tuts my barreh.”
– Teri, tipsily muttering to herself as she stares into the dregs of her sangria glass. [Tuts my barreh]
2 tags
“I realized we went to a bougie school when we had Grey Poupon mustard in the...”
– Teri
2 tags
“Tina Fey and you, Mike, are the Voldemorts of our generation.”
– Jenna, to Mike
2 tags
“You guys laugh, but you don’t know what it’s like to be our size and...”
– Jenna
3 tags
“—because really, who cares about the townspeople?”
– Deb
4 tags
“I did NOT pee in my pants last night!!! However, I did pee in my pants a few...”
– Thomas, and a very appropriate dinner conversation topic
2 tags
“If you really think about it, I’m like Peter Saarsgard from An Education....”
– Thomas, making an obvious and inaccurate comparison
1 tag
“—that’s a great point, because that’s MY point.”
– Ben, in the midst of a heated discussion
3 tags
“Let me put on your coat and show you how adorable I look in it.”
– Deb, to Mike